“I don’t speak the language of realities and I stagger among
the things of life like a sickman who finally gets up after being bedridden for ages.”
Fernando Pessoa

4.27

So here it is april already....been a pretty
thin month journal-wise. I don't know exactly why that is---less to write
about or...more to write that I haven't been writing. I guess we (excuse
me: you) will never know.I think sometimes it comes to seem as so
MUCH of a pointless exercise that I can't even write about the pointlessness
of it...or maybe on the contrary it comes to seem a little ...dangerous to be writing about
some things so I don't. And there are times when everything seems just TOO
personal and i can't draw anything larger out of it, or at least larger
enough to make it worth anyone's while who happens to wander through here And it may also be the case that I have come
to the point of the 'everyday unhappiness' that Freud talked about rather
than some more traumatic angst and therefore the writing seems less necessary....
um, certainly a certain amount of fatigue has set in, both physical and
mental. I seem to be mostly lumbering through the day, no joie de vivre.
Even existence seems like work frankly.

Absolute irreducible minimum is what I think is being called for since
even the I Ching is beginning to lie to me (or does that mean I’m
lying to myself?)

I’m not sure: can there be such a thing as too much communication?
Our impetus is always to divulge more and more, to excavate, lift the
veil, reveal the secret, tell all, expose everything tell there’s
nothing left but a faint odor of drying paint.

went on what is becoming a regular weekend routine of gallery hopping/art
party crawling. i guess at some point I’ll get bored with it but
it’s certainly been entertaining so far...
Went to ED for wc’s opening, hung around doing therapy with someone,
then over to a large warehouse party way down Murphy in the warehouse
district of westend. it was supposedly a fund fraiser for a film-in-progress..lots
of people there at 2 o’clock and supposedly even more earlier in
the evening. I guess they made their nut for the evening. There was a
naked guy lying a bed of nails, Debra-ann being a torch singer, some dance
musi...danced by myself for quite a while then with S.’s friend Z.
very cute but not my type--probably because she has a boyfriend.
i thought K. would show up earlier ED since I missed her on Friday night.
Hell, I don’t know what’s going on and it’s probably pointless
to try. I guess nothing is going on to be truthful. Ok, so that’s
that...too bad it never really got STARTED...or maybe that’s a good
thing. I have to do my own transvaluation of values thing with it. Probably
too much confusion there--for sure on her part--who needs it? I feel enough
confusion quite often w/o the added burden of the man/woman thing. I feel
like in my small way i’ve already become a monk.
well, I was disappointed when she didn’t show up...should have known
she wouldn’t show up at ED anyway...didn’t get back till 6 in
the morning. and not even tired, then, or when i woke up this morning.

Went to see GADIATOR the new Ridley Scott film, which i really enjoyed..maybe
write something on it. Very well done but straightforward in
a way--all a question of mood and gigantism as heidegger wrote...to
think that is the way--more or less, given scotts artistic license
with ambience--the height of human life on the planet, ie civilization,is
just astounding. seeing photos, reconstructions, just doesn’t transport
you like a well made film can do...I felt the same way at the opening
scene of the remake of The Mummy.... all one can say is what tiny lives our day to day existence is...frighteningly
so. and then to have intimations of the process of, of what? time I guess,
jsut the movement of time but...to where??? why?? and for that matter
FROM where? just to contemplate the sheer POSSIBLITY of those questions is a heady
experience....what do people think when they go to see such films? Just
another passing event in a succession of passing events, in a way just
as mundane--a few minutes after you walk out -- as a walk around the block.

Frightening...but just asking those questions is frightening and exhilerating
at the same time...and comforting in some odd way.pent the afternoon visitng
a friend's booth at an outdoor festival in one of the intown neighbor
hoods then spent the rest of the day in town reading at a coffee shop
over by the university (just started Agamben's first book STANZAS ...
marvelous thinker/writer), then had a bowl of vietnamese beef soup at
a noodle place, had a beer with it, felt fat and complacent as I was leaving,
just drove around town for a bit. ....and not thinking about a whole lot
frankly.

At the festival S. and C. had told me about
a big warehouse art party on Krog....went by about 9 not much happening
really. I went by Eyedrum next to catch a couple of bands but the evening
had been inexplicably cancelled. So I went across the street to chat for
a bit with cp, listening to archie shepp and john coltrane.

I decided to go to the Somber Reptile for
their Love Camp 2000 thing---5 bands, naked folks (well women) being painted
on stage. the usual. Big mistake. not least of which considering it cost
10 bucks to get in. Heavy metal band, some electronica stuff--mostly a
bunch of guys staring at the women on stage (one guy with a blue dick).
Not really sleazy or sordid--more goofy in way. One older guy was staring
at the stage as if he had never seen a woman naked. well, maybe was the
case...I stayed far too long there, finally left around 1 a.m.

still didn't feel like coming back so i cruised
over to the warehouse party again---and the joint was jumpin'! There were
some huge metal art-fireplace things outside in the big courtyard by the
street and there were flames and sparks flying up everywhere, no parking
till way over the bridge.

yeah, this felt much better...saw K. there
talked to him awhile (gave him a ride home eventually), danced quite a while
with C. (any time i can dance i consider it a successful party evening),
talked to J., listened/watched a fariry disgusting performance band throw
bread and wrap palstic on their obese naked bodies, saw a fight (actually
physical fight) between a guy and his girlfriend...I first saw them she
had him down on the ground trying to make him shut up. He seemed to be spewing
a number of racial/cultural epithets, bunch of other guys jumped him...still
don't know exactly what that was all about but it transpired about 10 feet
from me. Made a good show.

Went back in and danced some more. goodthing nobody nuked the place they would have wiped out half the cute chick population of atlanta. amazing. Left at 3:15, dropped K. off, got home couldn't sleep still dancing i guess up 3 hours later. what the heck....this is my new hemingway style journal--you like?

may 14 2000
hmmm...ok let’s see, where was I....something about the limitations of communication last time. Which is also sort of tied up with the limitations of being a subject, that particular pinprick in the fabric of the universe called a consciousness.Actually, my (personal) thoughts just seem completely inchoate at the moment, with no redeeming generalities to pull from them; just leaves me sort of drifitng, like the dérive I practise on the weekends with art events, a bit of flotsam floating mongst the jetsam.Any observations I would make at this point strike me as vapid and jejeune (although I’m wondering why that is)...it’s like I’ve ALMOST turned myself into another person (not really a bad thing) --but not quite. And it seems redundant to add that we are compounded of all the persons we are around and react with on both intimate and public levels -- besides those more difficult compounds that went into our formation very early on.And I’m afraid my ‘fact toting’ approach to this bit of writing has come to grief on some shoals lately. And what’s strange is that I don’t mind talking to people on a one to one basis about some things but----I’m finding it difficult to write anything about some things. Maybe it’s not necessary to make those sort of thoughts come into focus right now in this sort of form.

Well, let’s face it, even if no one reads this it’s still a public forum and there’s no particular reason why I should eviscerate myself for some passing stranger to rubberneck...

rr: “ok then why have you been doing it up till now?? ya know, you can be a real unconsious schmuck sometimes.”

r: ‘well, that’s a good point i guess. I just don’t have a good answer though. Besides if I weren’t confused, YOU wouldn’t be popping up to bust my chops.’

rr:”yeah that’s right go ahead and blame it on me; you always like to have a scapegoat to put the blame,’oh look mommie, the house burnt down, somebody must have come in and struck a match..’”

r: ‘what the FUCK are you talking about?? Really, for someone who’s nothing more than a sock puppet, even, you’re pretty godam pushy and abusive--and always HAVE been for that matter.”

rr: “ok ok calm down, just teasing you about some of that other stuff from way back when...”

r: ‘yeah well, that was then this is now so cool it...I’m not exactly drowning here and yelling for help...and besides that when I WAS you weren’t exactly the army charging in to rescue me, BESIDES which you have no more resources than me...other than your big damn mouth.’

rr: “hey, never underestimate the power of a big damn mouth...when you come right down to it, that’s all that most crap is---a little fillling in behind the scenes but not much...

5.18
first casting in regard to a.:
question was- What can you say in regard to a.?:

54. Kuei Mei / The Marrying Maiden
---- ----
---- ---- above Ch^en The Arousing, Thunder
----------
---- ----
---------- below Tui The Joyous, Lake
----------

The Judgement

The Marrying Maiden.
Undertakings bring misfortune.
Nothing that would further.

The Image

Thunder over the lake:
The image of the Marrying Maiden.
Thus the superior man
Understands the transitory
In the light of the eternity of the end.

The Lines

Nine at the beginning means:
The marrying maiden as a concubine.
A lame man who is able to tread.
Undertakings bring good fortune.

[] Six in the third place means:
The marrying maiden as a slave.
She marries as a concubine.

() Six in the fifth place means:
The sovereign I gave his daughter in marriage.
The embroidered garments of the princess
Were not as gorgeous
As those of the servingmaid.
The moon that is nearly full
Brings good fortune.

28. Ta Kuo / Preponderance of the Great

---- ----
---------- above Tui The Joyous, Lake
----------
----------
---------- below Sun The Gentle, Wind
---- ---- The Judgement Preponderance of the Great.
The ridgepole sags to the breaking point.
It furthers one to have somewhere to go.
Success.

The Image

The lake rises above the trees:
The image of Preponderance of the Great.
Thus the superior man, when he stands alone,
Is unconcerned,
And if he has to renounce the world,
He is undaunted.

i know i know, don’t beat me about the head with it...

5.19

and coincidentally;
hmmm...seeing LE now. very nice...although my functioning leaves something to be desired. well...I don’t know what i think about it all yet. or at any rate: i don’t know what I write about it yet. I think i need to empty my head of other things...

.......

as they say, much later:

uhhh, ok, well i guess 'functioning' is not a problem after all...